It's a taxidermy Christmas We're stuffing everything 'cause 'tis the season to mount a red nosed reindeer on your front door You said to stuff the turkey So I got up nice and early Wasn't quite sure how to mount it; a sweet pet or a fighting bird Oh, we're stuffing Christmas We could get a donkey Cow and sheep for a nativity Shepherds and some wise men - pose them up all nice and then Maybe a scene from the North Pole Some elves and Father Christmas Some taxidermied presents for taxidermied Santa to deliver Oh, we're stuffing Christmas But we may have taken it a bit too far

All the decorations are up And there's people singing carols And my Christmas shopping is going really rather well Got presents for my best friend My parents, sisters too But I can't for the life of me work out what to get you I'd buy you a necklace, but I don't think that you'd wear it I'd buy you a pony, but I don't think that you'd ride it I'd buy you some chocolate, but I think you're diabetic I know you need some new socks, but that's not very romantic I wish I knew what to get you for Christmas Yeah, I wish I knew what you wanted Oh, but I just don't know what to get you for Christmas Want to get you something to make you happy I could buy you a car, but I don't think you can drive I could send you paragliding, but I'm not sure you'd survive I could buy you some perfume, but you might think that you smell bad I'm running out of ideas and I really really wish that I wish I knew what to get you for Christmas Yeah, I wish I knew what you wanted Oh, but I just don't know what to get you for Christmas Want to get you something to make you happy And if you want to give me the perfect Christmas gift I'll stand under the mistletoe for a Christmas kiss I wish I knew what to get you for Christmas Yeah, I wish I knew what you wanted Oh, but I just don't know what to get you for Christmas Want to get you something to make you happy I wish I knew what to get you for Christmas Yeah, I wish I knew what you wanted Oh, but I just don't know what to get you for Christmas Want to get you something to make you love me

On the first day of Christmas I awoke to find a pear tree in my garden Half my lawn had been dug up and there was a partridge sat in it Two doves, three hens and four birds singing So many strange presents from my dearest darling Now I don't know what to do I'm overwhelmed with birds All these presents from my lover But what the hell do I get her? December 29th, I was presented with Not one gold ring, two, three, four, five of the things Next day, more birds, six geese, swans, day seven Then 8 random lasses were trying to milk the chickens Now I don't know what to do I'm overwhelmed with birds All these presents from my lover But what the hell do I get her? Next day was like a bloody festival Nine ladies dancing, ten lords prancing to the pipes and drums Now I don't know what to do I'm overwhelmed with all of this And I'm thinking next year I'll just give Christmas a miss

It wasn’t the games Nor the terrible names That bothered poor little Rudolph But the constant side-eye And the barrage of sly Comments that he couldn’t fly off See Santa decreed Eight was the need For reindeer to pull his sled And Rudy was young And not nearly as strong As his brethren in the deershed Now all the reindeer taunted him And they sneered and jeered and mocked Rudolph the litter-runt reindeer You’re no better than livestock He came up with a plan He just needed one Reindeer to meet its fate ‘Cause then there’d be seven And as it is, heaven Knows, Santa needs 8 He went after Cupid, Which turned out to be stupid As he was the strongest of those As Rudy slashed with a sword He was overpowered And Cupid sliced off his nose Then all the reindeer wondered In muttered voices soft and low Rudolph the unhinged reindeer What the hell happened to your nose? Rudolph retaliated His anger not-satiated When he poisoned Cupid’s haystack But he didn’t stop there Still lusting for more Bloody and violent payback Dancer and Prancer Met with Necromancer As Rudolph indulged his bloodlust Comet’s sad death And Vixen’s last breath Came from a simple knife thrust Then the Christmas slasher, He took out Dasher And he knew who was next to depart He slit Donner’s throat And with a wicked gloat Stabbed poor Blitzen in the heart Now all the reindeer feared him As they shouted out in terror Rudolph the bloody-nosed reindeer Hanging would be too good for you Soon Santa stood tall Said out loud for all To hear across all the North Pole Compatriots of mine It clearly is time That I find a new vehicle One which uses fuel To take presents of yule Across all of the countries It’s become very clear That those bloody reindeer Are never again to be trusted. Then there were no more reindeer No more pulling of the sleigh And Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Still seeks revenge to this day

The fairy on the top of the tree is scared of heights She's formulating a plan for escaping by climbing down the fairy lights And the robin tied to the branch with wire Has eaten too many mince pies to be able to fly The baubles have started unionising The tinsel has formed a picket line The pinecones are trying to colonise The whole of the bloody room Don't underestimate Your decorations, mate They're more powerful than you know Don't underestimate Your decorations, mate Or you'll just be left with snow flakes made by your kids The star and the angel both want to claim the top spot Now the fairy's gone they both think that they've got what it takes And they're getting more absurd with every single bloody word And it's not about which is better; just which is not the worst The nativity scene says there's no room For any decorations not quite like them The shepherds are worried for their jobs And the cows think the baubles will bring bombs Don't underestimate Your decorations, mate They're more hateful than you know Don't undestimate Your decorations, mate Might be best to put them all back in the loft.