Christmas! Present and Correct

by Helen Robertson

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about

Done as an attempt at NaSoAlMo, but is 14 minutes too short to win

credits

released November 28, 2016

All songs written and recorded by Helen Robertson

Cover photo by Rob Williams

Thanks to James Burling for helping with the drum recording

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Helen Robertson UK

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Track Name: Stuffing Christmas
It's a taxidermy Christmas
We're stuffing everything 'cause
'tis the season to mount a red nosed reindeer on your front door

You said to stuff the turkey
So I got up nice and early
Wasn't quite sure how to mount it; a sweet pet or a fighting bird

Oh, we're stuffing Christmas

We could get a donkey
Cow and sheep for a nativity
Shepherds and some wise men - pose them up all nice and then

Maybe a scene from the North Pole
Some elves and Father Christmas
Some taxidermied presents for taxidermied Santa to deliver

Oh, we're stuffing Christmas
But we may have taken it a bit too far
Track Name: I wish I knew what to get you for Christmas
All the decorations are up
And there's people singing carols
And my Christmas shopping is going really rather well
Got presents for my best friend
My parents, sisters too
But I can't for the life of me work out what to get you

I'd buy you a necklace, but I don't think that you'd wear it
I'd buy you a pony, but I don't think that you'd ride it
I'd buy you some chocolate, but I think you're diabetic
I know you need some new socks, but that's not very romantic

I wish I knew what to get you for Christmas
Yeah, I wish I knew what you wanted
Oh, but I just don't know what to get you for Christmas
Want to get you something to make you happy

I could buy you a car, but I don't think you can drive
I could send you paragliding, but I'm not sure you'd survive
I could buy you some perfume, but you might think that you smell bad
I'm running out of ideas and I really really wish that

I wish I knew what to get you for Christmas
Yeah, I wish I knew what you wanted
Oh, but I just don't know what to get you for Christmas
Want to get you something to make you happy

And if you want to give me the perfect Christmas gift
I'll stand under the mistletoe for a Christmas kiss

I wish I knew what to get you for Christmas
Yeah, I wish I knew what you wanted
Oh, but I just don't know what to get you for Christmas
Want to get you something to make you happy

I wish I knew what to get you for Christmas
Yeah, I wish I knew what you wanted
Oh, but I just don't know what to get you for Christmas
Want to get you something to make you love me
Track Name: Twelve Days of Odd Gifts
On the first day of Christmas I awoke to find a pear tree in my garden
Half my lawn had been dug up and there was a partridge sat in it

Two doves, three hens and four birds singing
So many strange presents from my dearest darling

Now I don't know what to do
I'm overwhelmed with birds
All these presents from my lover
But what the hell do I get her?

December 29th, I was presented with
Not one gold ring, two, three, four, five of the things

Next day, more birds, six geese, swans, day seven
Then 8 random lasses were trying to milk the chickens

Now I don't know what to do
I'm overwhelmed with birds
All these presents from my lover
But what the hell do I get her?

Next day was like a bloody festival
Nine ladies dancing, ten lords prancing to the pipes and drums

Now I don't know what to do
I'm overwhelmed with all of this
And I'm thinking next year
I'll just give Christmas a miss
Track Name: Christmas Slasher (or how Rudolph got his red nose)
It wasn’t the games
Nor the terrible names
That bothered poor little Rudolph
But the constant side-eye
And the barrage of sly
Comments that he couldn’t fly off

See Santa decreed
Eight was the need
For reindeer to pull his sled
And Rudy was young
And not nearly as strong
As his brethren in the deershed

Now all the reindeer taunted him
And they sneered and jeered and mocked
Rudolph the litter-runt reindeer
You’re no better than livestock

He came up with a plan
He just needed one
Reindeer to meet its fate
‘Cause then there’d be seven
And as it is, heaven
Knows, Santa needs 8

He went after Cupid,
Which turned out to be stupid
As he was the strongest of those
As Rudy slashed with a sword
He was overpowered
And Cupid sliced off his nose

Then all the reindeer wondered
In muttered voices soft and low
Rudolph the unhinged reindeer
What the hell happened to your nose?

Rudolph retaliated
His anger not-satiated
When he poisoned Cupid’s haystack
But he didn’t stop there
Still lusting for more
Bloody and violent payback

Dancer and Prancer
Met with Necromancer
As Rudolph indulged his bloodlust
Comet’s sad death
And Vixen’s last breath
Came from a simple knife thrust

Then the Christmas slasher,
He took out Dasher
And he knew who was next to depart
He slit Donner’s throat
And with a wicked gloat
Stabbed poor Blitzen in the heart

Now all the reindeer feared him
As they shouted out in terror
Rudolph the bloody-nosed reindeer
Hanging would be too good for you

Soon Santa stood tall
Said out loud for all
To hear across all the North Pole
Compatriots of mine
It clearly is time
That I find a new vehicle

One which uses fuel
To take presents of yule
Across all of the countries
It’s become very clear
That those bloody reindeer
Are never again to be trusted.

Then there were no more reindeer
No more pulling of the sleigh
And Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Still seeks revenge to this day
Track Name: Don't underestimate your decorations
The fairy on the top of the tree is scared of heights
She's formulating a plan for escaping by climbing down the fairy lights
And the robin tied to the branch with wire
Has eaten too many mince pies to be able to fly

The baubles have started unionising
The tinsel has formed a picket line
The pinecones are trying to colonise
The whole of the bloody room

Don't underestimate
Your decorations, mate
They're more powerful than you know
Don't underestimate
Your decorations, mate
Or you'll just be left with snow flakes made by your kids

The star and the angel both want to claim the top spot
Now the fairy's gone they both think that they've got what it takes
And they're getting more absurd with every single bloody word
And it's not about which is better; just which is not the worst

The nativity scene says there's no room
For any decorations not quite like them
The shepherds are worried for their jobs
And the cows think the baubles will bring bombs

Don't underestimate
Your decorations, mate
They're more hateful than you know
Don't undestimate
Your decorations, mate
Might be best to put them all back in the loft.