Christmas Slasher (or how Rudolph got his red nose)

from by Helen Robertson

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It wasn’t the games
Nor the terrible names
That bothered poor little Rudolph
But the constant side-eye
And the barrage of sly
Comments that he couldn’t fly off

See Santa decreed
Eight was the need
For reindeer to pull his sled
And Rudy was young
And not nearly as strong
As his brethren in the deershed

Now all the reindeer taunted him
And they sneered and jeered and mocked
Rudolph the litter-runt reindeer
You’re no better than livestock

He came up with a plan
He just needed one
Reindeer to meet its fate
‘Cause then there’d be seven
And as it is, heaven
Knows, Santa needs 8

He went after Cupid,
Which turned out to be stupid
As he was the strongest of those
As Rudy slashed with a sword
He was overpowered
And Cupid sliced off his nose

Then all the reindeer wondered
In muttered voices soft and low
Rudolph the unhinged reindeer
What the hell happened to your nose?

Rudolph retaliated
His anger not-satiated
When he poisoned Cupid’s haystack
But he didn’t stop there
Still lusting for more
Bloody and violent payback

Dancer and Prancer
Met with Necromancer
As Rudolph indulged his bloodlust
Comet’s sad death
And Vixen’s last breath
Came from a simple knife thrust

Then the Christmas slasher,
He took out Dasher
And he knew who was next to depart
He slit Donner’s throat
And with a wicked gloat
Stabbed poor Blitzen in the heart

Now all the reindeer feared him
As they shouted out in terror
Rudolph the bloody-nosed reindeer
Hanging would be too good for you

Soon Santa stood tall
Said out loud for all
To hear across all the North Pole
Compatriots of mine
It clearly is time
That I find a new vehicle

One which uses fuel
To take presents of yule
Across all of the countries
It’s become very clear
That those bloody reindeer
Are never again to be trusted.

Then there were no more reindeer
No more pulling of the sleigh
And Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Still seeks revenge to this day


from Christmas! Present and Correct, released November 28, 2016




Helen Robertson UK

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